The Pink Fluffy Bunny Club

You're my Superman. Strong, silent. I wish I could tell you how much strength you give me, especially right now. I will tell you, someday. Right now, I just have one wish, one prayer. I want you to be happy. I know it may seem silly, but there's nothing I want more than to see a smile on your face or to see you laugh. And not just as a one-off thing, but everyday, every hour, every minute, every second...

I know what you're going through right now. I know that sometimes I make it worse by saying things or by behaving in a certain way. I only wish for you to know that I don't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry for all those times that I have. You're my brave, strong guy. You have no idea how much you inspire me.

You're my life, my love, my everything.

Helplessness.

To wish that you could drive it away in one go.

Sadness.

To wish that you could wipe it all away.

Smile.

To wish that you could bring it back.

Laughter.

To wish that you could hear it over and over again.

Hugs.

To wish that you could give it every single day.

Wishes.

To wish that he would get everything that he wants.

Do you know how much I love talking to you?

Your presence, your very presence on the other end of the line is enough to make my hopes soar and make me happy no matter how down I am.

Right now I feel like talking to you again. If I could, I would talk to you every single day. But if I can't, then I'll talk to you here.

No calls, no messages.

Okay. I broke the second part. But I just wanted to message you so badly..

I want to talk to you too. I want to be there with you. I want to hold you tight and not say a word, just make you realize that I care about you intensly, unlike yesterday when I have no idea what came over me.

I just want to make your sadness and hopelessness disappear. I know that I can't do that, so I just want to be there by your side. I just want to be there by your side..

If I could, I would give you my entire share of happiness and take all your sadness. You're somebody who deserves nothing but happiness. The past couple of years have been the first time I've ever wished that wishes came true. I wish for you to be happy. Genuinely happy.

Love you darling.. More than my life :)

Have you ever had a feeling inside you that you can't really explain? Something that seems irritating, annoying, but then later starts to hurt you and people you love? I don't want to talk about this. Not right now. I tell MFG everything first, except when I can't talk to him. He knows the tip of the iceberg, but he's the only one who does. I hope I would be able to tell him.. This thing.. It's eating me up!! I hate it! Hate it hate it hate it!!! I just wish I could get rid of it.....................

And we come here to talk again.

I know it's stupid what I'm going to say right now, but I want to make sure that you're alright. It's stupid because I know you're not and you won't be. There are times when I feel like telling you that I love you or that I'm there beside you, but those seem so so soooo hopelessly inadequate!! Plus that would militate against your wanting to be alone. No calls, no messages.

Okay, I'm still going to text you asking you if you wish to talk. I'm sorry if it jars you.. But I'm not going to ask you to contact me when you want to. For some reason, that would make me feel like I was being really callous, even if you wouldn't think the same. I wouldn't want to be callous to you. I know I have been so, but I wouldn't want to be. It's a sick feeling to know that you've hurt someone, especially when you love that person more than your life. My only hope is that somehow I can heal that. And I'll keep trying no matter what.

I wish I could hold you tight and make everything alright...

My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.

- Yvaine, Stardust                 

And so I come again to talk to you when I can't talk to you.

I want to tell you how terrible your pain and helplessness feels. It makes me want to do something about it, and makes me feel even more helpless when I realise that I can't.

Yesterday night was one of the hardest decisions I had to make, ever. Not leaving you alone when you requested that - that was one of the things I had told you that you could definitely expect from me. I had told you that whenever you wanted to be alone, I would let you, no questions asked, and would wait for you to come back, no matter what. I intend to honour that.

But yesterday you were crying.

Do you have any idea how it feels when you cry? It hurts! It hurts because I can't do anything about it! I couldn't even hold you tight let alone drive your worries away. And to say that everything will be alright would be an insult, a slap to your face, and I would never want to do that.

I wanted to call you back so badly. To leave you alone, crying, damn!! But you wanted to be alone.. You had requested that from me in the best way that you could. I couldn't have denied that to you.. I just couldn't..

I'm never going to leave your hand or stop walking by your side. I know that may seem inadequate in the face of everything, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

I'll love you forever and ever and ever.

I feel like such a bijjee person who doesn't even have time to write anything. Par ki karaan? I've started writing for an online magazine that's been co-founded by a friend, and most of the time I'm wondering what to write about for that :|

*sigh*

Anyhow. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller-coaster. I'm on a high and then suddenly I go zooming towards the ground. There are thoughts inside my head which I would just like to shut and throw out, but it's not happening. Or rather, I'd say it's verrry difficult. I'm trying.

I don't like negativity. It has this tendency to disrupt everything and ruin everyone's peace of mind. And it can be hard to get rid of, no matter how much you want to shake it off. Even when you try not to let it affect you, sometimes it seems inevitable. The one saving grace is MFG. His presence helps a lot, and his words too.

Thank you, guy!! ^_^

I want to talk to you so badly right now.

Do you know what they say about sharing what you feel - that when you share joy, it doubles, but when when you share sorrow, it halves. I wish I couldn't just halve your sorrow but take it away completely.

Nobody likes it when the people they love are in anguish. I wish I had a magic wand that I could just wave and make everything better. Happy. But I don't. Still, one can dream..

You're my wonderful guy and I'm going to do everything that I can to make sure that you're happy.

So many things to say, so many things to write.

So many emotions. Feelings.

Prayers.

So many prayers.

I pray for MFG to be happy.

I pray for him to lose his worries.

I pray for him to laugh and smile that wonderful smile of his.

He's a wonderful, amazing guy who deserves all the happiness in the world. I pray for him to get it all.

I wish with all my heart that he would get it all.

 

Nightmares and Racist Letters

I had the nightmare again.

The same nightmare I had a couple of days ago. Stupid, ugly nightmare. Not random. Still in my mind.

My nani. MFG.

I can't talk about it. It's painful. And scary.

I managed to shove it aside in the morning. And seeing MFG's face made me forget everything. But I remembered in class and I cried. I hate crying in public! It's one thing to cry in front of MFG - it's another to cry in class. I couldn't get that sight out of my mind, that feeling. I wanted a hug really badly!! But I asked MFG to squeeze my hand. That helped a lot.

The whole thing went out of my mind again. For a long time! Then I couldn't help but remember it while getting back home from work. No tears this time, thankfully. But the need for a hug - intense! I really wish MFG was there - really badly...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

In other things, there's a letter that's gone viral - famously titled 'Open Letter to a Punjabi Boy, from a South Indian Girl'. When I read it for the first time, I didn't concentrate much or read each and every line, and ultimately I thought it must be a joke letter or something - you know, similar to the joke letter that starts off as "Dear Santa, I'm writing this real slow because I know you can't red fast...". I thought it was weird but pretty funny for a joke letter. I got to know later on that it was a blog entry written by a female and it was in no way a joke letter.

That changed things for me.

Suddenly I couldn't help but read each and every line again. And it felt so wrong. Just so wrong.

It felt... racist.

First things first - I'm a south Indian. I know what it is like when someone says, "So you're a madrassi?". But to be fair, every south Indian I know tends to call everybody above the Vindhyas, Punjabis. If someone forgets that the South has four states, it isn't fair to them that the South also forgets that the North has many more states than that. So, if you think that calling someone from Kerala a madrassi is racist, also remember that you calling someone from U.P. a punjabi is racist too.

Secondly, Punjabi boys and Delhi boys are not the same thing. A Delhi guy can be from anywhere. He doesn't necessarily have to be from Punjab. Equating the two shows that you never paid attention in Geography and neither does the logic part of your brain work.

Thirdly, not all Delhi guys are ignorant, chauvinistic oafs. I know there are guys who lech, and I've already ranted against guys who think that the only purpose of their life is to constantly keep hitting on girls and making them feel uncomfortable. But it's not so with everyone. I know quite a few guys who respect women and are damn sweet. And they're north Indians. Furthermore, I've also known south Indian guys who are ignorant and chauvinistic and complete imbeciles. Something tells me this behaviour doesn't exactly pertain to your geographical roots.

Fourthly, dressing style. Do we really need to go into this?? I know that loud dressing is eech!! But to contain this phenomenon within Delhi/North India (I've sort of lost track about who she's referring to by this time) is sheer foolishness. I've seen examples of really horrible dressing everywhere - north, south, west. Too bad I've never been to the east. And I still can't get over the four years of bad dressing examples I'd seen in Hyderabad when I'd lived there for 4 years. I was 12 during my last year there, but I still haven't forgotten. Wearing trousers with slippers figures most prominently in my head. Yes, I've actually seen that.

Fifthly, society free of any discrimination. This one makes me laugh! I'm lucky to have been born in a family which loves its daughters as much as its sons. Yes, lucky. Do you have any idea how orthodox people are down south? There's so much I want to write but I won't because they're not my stories and I wouldn't want to write someone else's story without at least asking for their permission first. Actually, I do have a story of my own, but it's something that I try not to think about, so that wouldn't go on this page. No discrimination? That's funny!!

Now I'm just feeling bad for this female. I don't want to go on because I'm tired. I can find a hundred things wrong with this article. It's far too biased and bitter. The one thing I was in consonance with was the whole ' All south Indians are black' thing, which actually does make me see red. But the rest is just plain unfair.

I've lived almost my entire life in the north. I feel at home in Delhi. I'm a Delhi girl at heart. And I have friends from here whom I love and who are sweet and funny and awesome. The guy I'm in love with is a Delhi guy and he's not even 0.0001% of what this female makes a Delhi guy out to be. He's awesomer than Batman, Iron Man, Spiderman and Superman all rolled into one. And amazingly sweet and very respectful. I could go on!

I know that taking offense to something doesn't always seem right to people. But I stand by what I feel. A joke letter is light humour.

This letter isn't one.